He’s My Father… and I’ve Got a Lot to Learn

December 28th, 2016:.. Do you ever get so far down a path and feel good about yourself and where you are going, only to make one wrong decision and question everything back to the very beginning?

2016… what a year.  This year was the craziest year of my life.  Like any college graduate, their graduation year is full of non-planned events and uncharted territory.  I thought I was walking toward a destination I was supposed to be walking toward.  I thought I was going down a path that was built for me.  How do we know we are on the wrong path if everything is going right at the time?

So many times I have heard, “God gives us only what we can handle.” I think this is a nice cliche saying that gets people through a hard time, which is a great thing to have.  I think God gives us beyond what we can handle so that we are forced to press into Him.

Do you ever find yourself comparing your life and problems with that of your friends or coworkers?  I know I do.  I get down on myself because I begin to see the differences in our paths.  I begin to question God’s intent.   Why do I seem to experience things with more earth shattering shock and unrelenting heart ache?

I think God knows me too well.  He knows I’m stubborn, power-seeking, and full of independence.  He knows I’m stuck in my ways, He knows I feel things too deeply, and He knows the extreme of how I feel emotions.  He made me after all.

God knows I can’t just be told something.  He knows I struggle with listening.  He knows just what I need, and He knows how to make me notice.  He’s my Father, the man that loves me far beyond imagine.  God may shake me a little harder when I’m in the wrong, but I’m starting to recognize I need that.

Do you think God shakes you too hard?  Do you think He lets you hit rock bottom a little more than the people around you?

It’s not because He’s a mean God, it’s because He’s a good Father.

I think if we were truly honest with ourselves, we would understand why God does what he does.  If God didn’t bring me down to my breaking point every time, I, for one, wouldn’t listen.  I know I wouldn’t.  Then I wouldn’t have the opportunity to look up at Him and say: “Yep, I needed that.”  He may give me harsh wake up calls, but it’s the only way for me personally to recognize that, “I need You, Lord, again and again.” …and again.

June 26, 2016:… Home.

With life, I’ve seen a lot of change, and accepting it is the hardest part. When I drove by my old house I spent the growing years of my life in, a flood of emotions and memories came over me. Look, that’s my favorite spot to watch the sunset. Look, there’s that stupid tree in the front yard that drove me crazy. Look, there’s where I sat with mom on her birthday and we both laughed until we cried. As your eyes readjust from the tears welling up, you have to come to terms with; this is growing up. Your home isn’t that house with 3/4ths roof, but instead… It’s the phone calls to Mom when you need help once again. Or the FaceTime with Dad as you sit down and share a drink together. Home from now on, is going to be here and there.

As my favorite author, Sarah Dessen, quoted:

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was the place where the people you loved were, whenever you are together. Not a place, But a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you go.”

 

June 3rd, 2016:.. Success.

After graduating college, I found myself in the usual “what now?” Phase. Don’t get me wrong, I’d tried for jobs but something wasn’t giving. With each passing day or month I began to lose hope for the future id always dreamed of. I began to lose me. I was angry all the time. I nit-picked everyone around me because I simply wasn’t happy with who I was becoming. I became very cynical and lost my footing in who I was.

Success doesn’t define you. I could throw out the famous Thomas Edison quote about how many times he failed before making the lightbulb, but you’ve heard it a thousand times. All that I saw when I looked at myself was a jobless- bum. Of course, I filled my time with working my part time job I had had throughout college, but for some reason I could never see that as a positive. I began to fill my time looking down on myself, on my life, on who I was becoming. As I said you can be your best friend, but sometimes your very worst enemy.

I looked at myself and only saw a girl. A little girl that could make nothing of herself. I was no woman yet. I was someone that didn’t deserve good things simply because she couldn’t find a job after college. What? Even speaking that into existence sounds ludicrous.

YOU, you are more than your job title. You are more than your hourly wage. You are more than the judgmental people who looked down on you when you said you are still looking. (And yes, realizing which friends actually end up “those people” is mind numbing.)

You are more than tearing yourself down every day. You are a princess… In every sense of the word. Maybe you have to no longer shop at the big stores, maybe you have to skip out on outings with friends that involve money, maybe you even have to cut out “those people” from your life… But you are absolutely worth every form of the word success.

Yes, you are a woman. A woman who presses on. A woman who is not being a victim of the situation but is using it to praise God through it. To laugh at the denial letter, or smile at the interviewer that looks down on you because you are young. (Yes, this is still a problem.)

Hold your head up high and remind yourself: it’s just another stretch of the valley. And as we all know… The wider the valley, the higher the mountain on the other side. Keep walking, trip when you need to. Scrape your knee in the dirt if you have to. But NEVER fall down with the intent to stay down. Don’t. Keep looking ahead, Un-phased. You are building your story. You are proving to yourself that even when things aren’t easy, you have the courage to keep walking on.

Life is funny because no matter how hard you worry, no matter how many times you cry; the situation stays the same. Life doesn’t feel bad for you and shorten the valley… The length is the length, so keep on keeping on… You might just see the mountain peak in the distance soon. And if you don’t, enjoy the valley… There are some good views in there.

May 7th, 2016:… Change is Good.

Life is all about change. For someone that hates change, it makes for a pretty hard life. When I was little, I would be destined to get a migraine if my schedule changed or if my regular life wasn’t so regular. It was like clockwork. My body, in a sense, was depending on me to give it consistency. This wasn’t an impairment, but more of a warning sign in my life to remember me, remember to take care of me.

Because of these grueling real life “fire alarms,” I have always feared change… For good reason. Migraines hurt! But as I grew, I realized my life wasn’t going to just stay consistent, in any form of the word. People were going to leave. Home was going to move around. Both tragedies and blessings were going be thrown at me. Life was going to happen. Life was going to bring change.

I needed some way to help myself to either get used to the pain, get rid of the pain, or accept the pain. Coming to the realization that I just shut down when bad things happen was hard. For one, they happen too often and two, there’s simply no time for it. What do you do then? Well, in my life I found only one thing to be constant: myself. So I became best friends with her. I took time for her. I talked her through when people stepped out of my life. I calmed her down when things came at her too fast. I propped her up when she was starting to sag. I was her encourager, leader, and best friend when everyone around wasn’t good enough to take on every one of those roles.

So as crazy as it sounds: when you need a helping hand… Look at your own. When you are crying in the middle of the night… Wipe your tears and remind yourself why life is good. When you lose a guy… go find yourself again. You might be thinking… Aren’t we suppose to help others always? Yes. But how can you help them if you can’t even help yourself? Another thought: aren’t you suppose to ask others for advice or help? Yes. But everyone is living their own version of this life and really who knows who is right? Another thought: why keep reading when I’m about to give you the advice you just said was bs.

You’re going to need yourself in life, and if deep down you are empty because you forgot to make time for yourself… You’re never going to be able to take care of yourself. Change is a good thing, it lets you grow and mature. Make sure in every change in life you find yourself again and again. Always encourage yourself, always look out for yourself. Change can knock you off your feet at times, but make sure you are there to remind yourself to every change is okay. Look back on past changes. Reminisce on what you’ve already walked through.  Self-encouragement can work wonders.